Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Therapy Needed

I've been very distressed about the revocation of Pluto's title of "Planet." It's affecting the way I see the universe, which in turn, affects the way I blog. It's just not the same! I'm looking for a planet therapist, if anyone knows one. My normal therapists - Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert - are currently on vacation. When the Daily Show and Colbert Report return from their mini-vacation, all will return to normal.

In the meantime, Celebrity Duets mockery will have to do.

Celebrity Duets - Day 1

I know. Usually I'm more clever with my titles, but my brain hurts too much from all the bad singing I heard last night. In this competition of "Celebrity Duets," non-singing celebrities are paired with music legends, and are judged on their performances. Who are the judges, you ask?

Marie Osmond, Little Richard, and the amazing David Foster. (I'm reconsidering my use of the word "amazing.")

All three are/were HUGE in the music business, but I can't figure out what the heck they were listening to last night. Did they have a different feed than the television audience? Did ProTools play a part in this deceptive game?

My first complaint: Carly Patterson - formerly small, formerly of the tumbling world. She sang "Somewhere Out There" and was lucky enough to be singing it with James Ingram - but WTF?! Fievel sang it better than she did! What a waste of Mr. Ingram's time and talent. And then he had to LIE to say that she did well!!!!!!!!!! OH COME ON! Then the judges agreed with him...saying that she needed to work a little on her pitch, but otherwise it was great. Even David Foster.


OH, I'm sorry...this is too exhausting. I'll have to continue this later...stay tuned.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

And Then There Were Eight...

Today, the 2500 astronomers in the International Astronomical Union decided that Pluto is not a planet. It will now be classified as a "dwarf planet," and not one of the "classical" planets (whatever THAT means...).

We're back to eight planets, people.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptuuuuuuune...***###___!!!???

What are they going to tell us next? That green is not a color? That the world really is flat? That Mickey needs to change his dog's name? I mean, they have to understand that the Wonderful World of Disney is a complicated place. They can't name him "Pluto" now, because Pluto is now a 'dwarf planet,' which steps on the toes of the Seven Dwarfs. Snow White wouldn't be very pleased to hear that she had Seven-Maybe-Eight Dwarf friends just by dwarfiness, would she? One more mouth to more person to pick up after...

Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, Happy, and PLUTO?!

NO!!!!!!!!!!! Poor Snow White.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Chocolate-Covered People

Just when you thought Wisconsin only produced great cheese - they've got a new product! Chocolate-covered people! On Saturday, some guy fell into a vat of chocolate (hot chocolate - it was 110 degrees) and got stuck for 2 hours. They had to thin the chocolate with cocoa butter to get him out. More detail...

Augustus! Save some room for latah!
Ooh...anyone know where that's from?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

BIKE (NOT Car)* Parts on Ebay!

Anyone looking for BIKE (not car)* parts? Ebay is a great place to look! These sellers will ship anywhere...

* Thanks Mark!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Solar Systematic Failure

Scientists are currently debating whether or not Pluto should be considered a planet. To some, Pluto is just an icy rock that shouldn't really be considered a planet.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, ... It just doesn't flow without Pluto!

If they add another "planet" that is similar to Pluto - they've named it "2003 UB313" - this is what we'll have to reprogram our brains to think:

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, 2003 UB313. That doesn't flow either.

BTW, the informal name for this planet is "Xena" - yep, named after the warrior princess.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, thanks.

Great. You know how we laugh at people in history who thought that the world was flat? People of the future - possibly our children - are going to laugh at us because "they didn't know the planets in their solar system! They kept on changing their minds!!!" Imagine that. Indecision in U.S. elections AND in the Solar System.


What are they going to do to us next? Mess with the colors of the rainbow?

Watch out, Mr. ROY G. BIV!!!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Square Bagels?!?!?!

What in the world is Mr. Thomas thinking? If bagels are now square, how are children supposed to learn their shapes???

Also, by definition (according to the ever-correct Wikipedia), "the bagel (or sometimes beigel; Yiddish בײגל beygl) is a bread product traditionally made of yeasted wheat dough in the form of a roughly hand-sized ring which is boiled in water and then baked."

Apparently, they missed the "ring" part of the definition. Let's define ring, shall we? Houghton Mifflin's dictionary says that a "ring" is "a circular object, form, line, or arrangement with a vacant circular center."

According to my calculations, circular = NOT SQUARE!!! *sigh* I guess we'll just need to invent another kind of circular food to help teach the children their shapes.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

OMG -- UT tn XLS @ txtng

If you actually understand that message, it should bother you that you understand it.

Oh yeah, and you need to retake Spelling (Yes, elementary spelling).

Apparently, this is the translation: Ohmigod, Utah teen excels at texting

How annoying. Stupid kids.

For those of you currently in the workforce, be careful! I guess employers are using text messages to do their dirty work now. I'll just let you read it on your