Shake-n-Snake

They're now using snakes to predict earthquakes in China. Snakes in local snake farms are broadcast 24 hours a day. According to ChInese scientists, snakes start acting weird 3 to 5 days before an earthquake strikes (story here). With all of the snakes in California mountains, Californians should be better prepared for quakes. Unfortunately, people (like myself) are afraid of snakes. Yep. They freak me out.

Couldn't think of a clever title. Sorry guys.
Er...would it have been better to use Snake-n-Quake? Snakeysense?

Christmas Dinner

Merry Christmas all! If you're about to eat dinner and/or have a weak stomach, you may want to wait until later to look at this picture and read this story...




This picture is of three Vietnamese women selling roast dog for Christmas dinner. Mmmm...

Poor Baby!

While traveling to Mexico, a woman sent her baby grandson (1 month old) through the X-ray machine at LAX. She didn't speak English very well and apparently didn't understand what she needed to do. Umm...with as many Spanish-speakers as there are in Los Angeles, you would think that she could've asked for some assistance if she didn't know what to do. AND...as all LA travellers know, most of the signs are printed in English with a Spanish translation RIGHT UNDER IT!

Are they going to claim that she didn't know how to read too? Read more here...

Lost and Found

A woman lost $24,000 in a New York Theater while watching Happy Feet with her daughter on Friday. The teenager who cleaned the theater after the showing found the money under her chair (it had slipped out of her purse) - $24,000 in $100 bills, wrapped in rubber bands.

Okay. Why in the world would someone be carrying that much cash knowing they weren't headed straight to the bank?! AND...how long do you think it took her to realize that her purse was a little lighter when she got up than when she sat down?

OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is el cuento...

The boy doesn't want a reward or any of the attention, so leave him alone!

Snacks for Sea Lions

I guess that humans must really be delicious (thanks to my sister for the heads-up)...well, maybe the California variety of humans. Shamu in Sea World, San Diego seemed to think so, and now the sea lions in San Francisco are jumping on the newest delicacy. The sea lions are biting swimmers off of the coast. Here's the story...

Be careful when you're in the water, Californians!!!

Let Us Eat Lettuce!!!!

The latest Taco Bell/E. coli accusation has been aimed at lettuce.

One of the least nutritious vegetables (possibly the least nutritious), lettuce doesn't have much going for it. Yes, it is green and crisp, and makes one feel like they are getting their day's worth of vegetables; however, it's mostly water and not much else.

Why couldn't they just leave the lettuce alone? I was happy with the scallion scare. Personally, I don't need the garnish! Poor lettuce.

Wasn't the spinach scare enough? There are STILL bags of pre-packaged, ready to eat salads that have stickers claiming "Contains NO Spinach." What's next? Packages of ready-to-eat salads that claim "Contains NO LETTUCE"?!

Fancy First Aid

The Sneeze is giving away Bacon Wallets from his friend Archie McPhee. I figured I'd give them a little extra PR by showing off more of their bacon merchandise.

Presenting...the Bacon and Eggs bandages!

Talk about distracting the victims when they're in pain...making them hungry to take their minds off of the pain!

I wonder if they make Stripples & Scramblers bandages for my vegetarian friends...

Stewart & Colbert on Comic Relief 2006

I didn't want to watch the entire show...just these two! Enjoy :)

Updated: Christmas Song List

See November 28 post for the update.

The Return of the E.Coli

Scallions just jumped onto the e.coli news circuit. 46 confirmed cases of sickness have been linked to Taco Bell, and scallions (a.k.a., the green onion) are the suspects. If you go to Taco Bell, be prepared to be missing your usual green onion garnish on the Mexican Pizza or those Cheesy Potatoes that you love so much.

Want more info? Here you go...

Idiotic Psychology

Most people who have attended college have taken General Psychology. It's a general education course required of most students, so they take it. So why in the world do people with degrees in Psychology think that they can pull off their psychological tricks (i.e., reverse psychology, transfer of responsibility, etc.) on the general public? It just doesn't make sense.

AND...the higher the degree, the less common sense they possess. (If you must know, I am ranting because a certain person with a Ph.D in Psychology is playing these STUPID games with me and I am so very irritated.) They kill the "common sense" brain cells to make room for the things they read in books...and maybe some air to take up the rest of the space.

No wonder Stephen Colbert (a.k.a., Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A.) doesn't trust books. They (the books) are on a mission to rid the world of common sense!

Comments?

Happy 100th Birthday!

Of whom am I speaking, you ask? You are most certainly asking the incorrect question!

Of what are you speaking? BROWNIES! Brownies are now 100 years old...and they STILL taste great!

According to the Betty Crocker website:

100 years ago a novice cook forgot to add baking powder to a chocolate cake. Instead of tossing the fallen cake this baker sliced it, served it as a bar, and gave chocolate lovers a gift they'd not soon forget—THE BROWNIE!

In 1906 the first Brownie recipe was published in the Boston Cooking-School Book.

December 8th is National Chocolate Brownie Day!

It is estimated that the world's population eats more than 2 billion brownies in a single year.

Don't forget to celebrate this special occasion on Friday. I'll be baking some brownies on that day, so if you happen to find me when I'm done, you may be in for a nice surprise! Or a sad surprise if I've already eaten them all...

Whale Rider/Whale Biter

A killer whale bit her trainer and dragged him underwater twice during a show at Sea World, San Diego. Luckily the trainer was able to swim away after the second "dip."

Animals seem to like biting people. I wonder if humans are delicious.

Here's the story...

Christmas Songs

For the most part, I love Christmas music. When KOST starts playing it (yes, even before Thanksgiving!!), anything that I own that can transmit a radio frequency is tuned to that station. KOST. KOST 103.5. (Free advertising - lucky for them.)

HOWEVER...there are "Christmas Songs" that I HATE. And so the list begins...

1. Christmas Shoes

Three letters: WTF
Two words: Socially Irresponsible!
One explanation: OK, anyone who knew me when the song came out will contend that "YOU were the one who told me I needed to listen to this song because it's so sweet!" SO, I take it back. I was wrong. So very wrong. Who in the world allows their child to wander around any shopping area unattended, talking to strangers and asking them for money...ALL while his mother is at home dying.

2. Christmas Time Is Here

Have you listened to the words? No wonder Surface doesn't record anymore!

3. Anything Natalie Cole (Christmas and non-Christmas)

Using her father to make money for herself...tsk, tsk, tsk...

4. Why Couldn't It Be Christmas Everyday?

By the winner of America's Got Talent, Bianca Ryan. Well, for starters, if we had to listen to this song for Christmas everyday, I would probably lose my hearing from all of the screaming that goes on in this song. It makes me want to ask for earplugs for Christmas. The people who call this use of her voice "singing" are sadly mistaken and should go in for a hearing test.

Also, little girl, if it was Christmas every day, some people would be broke and wouldn't be able to buy your album. Do you want that to happen?!

5. Anything Gloria Estefan

Just don't like her voice...

6. Anything Kimberly Locke

Can't tell if it's a male or female voice...

More will be added soon. KOST plays these things 24 hours a day for 5 weeks. I'm bound to come across some gems!

And now for this commercial break...

Filmed at GAA! :)

Let me outta here!!

Panbanisha the Bonobo (simple speak: monkey)!!!! She lives in the Great Ape Trust of Iowa (see story below) and she is AWESOME! The staff was too busy to let her out today, so she got mad and pulled the alarm again! Then she sat around with a big smile on her face!! But don't worry - she promised not to do it again. They're covering the alarms - just to be safe...

Read it here...

Question of the Day...

Is a burrito a sandwich? The Panera Bread Company actually brought this question to court so a judge could settle it. He says "no."

Isn't it wonderful that companies are bringing these types of questions through our legal system when there are easier ways to find your answers??? Like actually looking at a sandwich and a burrito and seeing if they looked the same. Or they could've tried asking the question of each other...or of their customers...or even me! I would've said, "uh...kinda...but NO."

Pizza...AGAIN.

This time.....DEEP-FRIED! With all the deep-frying going around, oil producers must be making a butt-load of money! Unless, of course, the people doing the deep-frying are too stingy to replace the oil when it needs to be replaced! Check the picture out!

BTW, I love Jeno's!

Leggo my Legos!!!!!!

The company that produces Lego building blocks has announced that they're having a hard time keeping up with demand for their spectacular building blocks. This most likely will result in a shortage of Legos this holiday season. I guess I can't give everyone Legos for their eight Hanukkah presents, huh? DANGIT. Maybe I'll just give Christmas presents this year so I only have to give one!!!

Children these days...poor monkeys. They won't know the joy of building something on Christmas morning, then destroying it and leaving the blocks all over the floor to hurt the adults that accidentally walk all over them!

Once Upon A Time...

November is National Novel Writing Month. Apparently, this is supposed to motivate people to get writing! I'm searching for the perfect opening line for my novel. Oh, and I'm also searchin for a subject. Any suggestions?

One more thing...I'm looking for a contest to enter. If I'm not going to win any money for my novel, how else am I supposed to motivate myself to write?

An Epiphany...and a Question

Rather...epizzaphany.

That wasn't an attempt at hip-speak...this is really about PIZZA. More specifically, my issues with pizza consumption. I don't understand how people like cold pizza. I've heard so many of my friends tell me that they love leftover pizza and that cold pizza is great.


I heartily disagree. In fact, I had leftover pizza yesterday (I even heated it to give it an advantage), and I was NOT impressed. I've also taken it to the extreme. My sister dared me to take a bite of frozen pizza (Jeno's, to be exact) - and that was gross too. Got me $5, though. She dared my brother to take a bite of frozen pizza too, except his was Stouffer's French Bread Pizza, and he was grossed out too.

Why doesn't everyone eat pizza the way it was intended to be eaten - hot, straight out of the oven?

Monkey Alert!

Finally...there's some new monkey business to post. Last Friday, a bonobo ape (her name is Panbanisha) pulled the fire alarm in a research facility in Iowa. When the firefighters responded, there was no fire.

Don't worry, y'all...the researchers told her not to do it again.

7-up and outta here...

Apparently there have been several new wonders of the world that have sprouted up since the 7 wonders of the ancient world were established. Since U.S. election week is coming up, it is my job to inform you that there's another vote in which you can participate. We're voting for new wonders!

Just to refresh your memory, here are the seven ancient wonders (and yes, they are still wonders!).

And here are the contestants for the new wonders!

So...consider yourself informed...and get out there and vote!!

For all of you Coca-Cola fans...

Stop by the Fried Coke stand when you go through your next county fair! You'll be treated to deep-fried Coke-flavored batter drizzled with Coke fountain syrup. Whipped cream and a cherry tops this sucker off and will take you straight to heart-attack-and-diabetes-ville!

Chinese Education

The CHInese are now requiring their business, economics and computer software majors to take GOLF! Rationale: they believe that most deals are sealed on a golf course and they want their students to be prepared when they enter the workplace.

Making them play golf...what a hard life!

Cream Puff Princess

A pastry chef in the Ukraine surprised his fiancee by making her wedding dress out of cream puffs. The dress consisted of 1500 cream puffs and weighed 20 pounds! But wait! He didn't stop there! He also made a tiara, a necklace, and a bouquet for her - all out of caramelized sugar.

Wowee...a fat kid's dream. Here's the whole story.

More Stupid Recipes

I re-read my complaint about the Popcorn Cereal Bowl recipe and realized that there had to be other stupid recipes in the world. Of course, the first step to finding stupid recipes would be to type "Stupid Recipes" into Yahoo! (not to say that Yahoo is stupid (it's just my homepage out of habit), but I know you all have your opinions).

(Warning: If you click on the link below, your white screens may appear pink for a short period of time.)

Up came this page with stupid recipes such as "Hot Crunchy Bread" and "Crispy Chunks O' Ramen" - but also has gross recipes, like "Socks."

Stupid kids...

Continue the stupid recipe search, I will.

Buttered Toast

I'm not sure that this has ever happened to me, because usually the toast will land in my mouth faster than it would hit the floor, BUT...the Mythbusters have discovered why buttered toast, when dropped, usually lands butter-side down.

I guess we all just need to hone our toast-buttering techniques...

Stay away from those vegetables, kids...

First, the FDA said to stay away from spinach because of E. coli contamination.
Next, they warned us about carrot juice because of links to botulism.
NOW, they're recalling lettuce - again because of E. coli.

Pluto's not a planet anymore (I know - get off it already, right?), could it be that they will change the books with this one too, and say that vegetables are only sometimes good for you?

Question of the Week

I found this question posted after an article (on Yahoo) about nutrition:

"I sometimes eat a can of frosting, and I also drink chocolate syrup....is this bad?"

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner for FATTEST KID OF THE YEAR!!!

Tell him to shut his PI hole!

A man in Japan (by the name of Haraguchi) recited PI to 100,000 decimal places today, which he also claimed was a "new world record." The "old" record was set by Haraguchi in 1995, but this was never entered into the Guinness Book of World Records. Oops! No record for you!

To be sure that he didn't cheat (cuz maybe he cheated the first time and that's why it was never entered as a REAL record), the man was videotaped the entire time - including bathroom breaks. I wonder how closely they monitored those. The staff needed to rotate supervision of Haraguchi cuz it took so freaking long! I wonder how many of them had actually counted to 100,000 before. I haven't. Maybe I should start. Anyone want to time me? Eh, nevermind. Too lazy.

He began at 9 a.m. on Tuesday and ended at 1:28 a.m. Wednesday.

Anyhow, here's the whole story.

Dolphin Needs a Phake Phlipper

I guess Phlorida's done playing with the manitees and they've moved on to dolphins.
Winter, a 3-month-old baby dolphin, got caught in some phishing line. As she struggled to get away, it tightened around her tail and cut off the blood supply to her tail. Long story short: it fell off and she needs a new one.

Anyone have one handy?

If not, they're going to spend $100,000+ to make a prosthetic one for her. Maybe you can lend your sculpting skills and get your cut of the money!!!

Pluto's Identity Crisis...and Fluffy

Pluto AGAIN is in the news...the poor thing has been demoted yet again. Now, instead of calling it a dwarf planet, they are classifying it as an asteroid and taking away its name! No more "Pluto" - it is now just a number. 134340, to be exact. That's like Americans' names being replaced by their Social Security numbers.

In an attempt to make Pluto feel better about the demotion, they've added 2,224 new objects to Pluto's class. Yes, Pluto, they don't want you to feel that you're all alone in your minor planet/asteroid/comet class.

Great non-Pluto news, though! They've discovered a fluffy planet! Just what the universe needs right now. With all of the harsh name-calling that's going on amongst the astrophysicists, they were missing the "fluffy" and "puffy" words. This should bring balance to the force...

Popcorn Cereal Bowl

SO...while looking for a new, exciting recipe to try, I came across one called "Popcorn Cereal Bowl." I thought this would be kinda cool, a bowl made out of popcorn that you could fill with some other snack. Nice idea, good conversation piece. Right? WRONG.

This is the recipe.

Any thoughts? I think that to call this a "recipe" is a misnomer...tricking me into clicking on the stupid link...all intrigued and what not.

WOOOSAAAAAAAHHH....

Okay. All better now.

Back to searching.

Homework Help

Are your kids unmotivated when it comes to homework? Why not try what this mom did: Offer to SMOKE POT with your teenage child if they finish their homework!

Here's the story. At least she didn't lie in court...she pled guilty to all charges. Maybe she'll smoke with the attendees of her sentencing to get him to let her off the hook!

She's Famous!

Therapy Needed

I've been very distressed about the revocation of Pluto's title of "Planet." It's affecting the way I see the universe, which in turn, affects the way I blog. It's just not the same! I'm looking for a planet therapist, if anyone knows one. My normal therapists - Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert - are currently on vacation. When the Daily Show and Colbert Report return from their mini-vacation, all will return to normal.

In the meantime, Celebrity Duets mockery will have to do.

Celebrity Duets - Day 1

I know. Usually I'm more clever with my titles, but my brain hurts too much from all the bad singing I heard last night. In this competition of "Celebrity Duets," non-singing celebrities are paired with music legends, and are judged on their performances. Who are the judges, you ask?

Marie Osmond, Little Richard, and the amazing David Foster. (I'm reconsidering my use of the word "amazing.")

All three are/were HUGE in the music business, but I can't figure out what the heck they were listening to last night. Did they have a different feed than the television audience? Did ProTools play a part in this deceptive game?

My first complaint: Carly Patterson - formerly small, formerly of the tumbling world. She sang "Somewhere Out There" and was lucky enough to be singing it with James Ingram - but WTF?! Fievel sang it better than she did! What a waste of Mr. Ingram's time and talent. And then he had to LIE to say that she did well!!!!!!!!!! OH COME ON! Then the judges agreed with him...saying that she needed to work a little on her pitch, but otherwise it was great. Even David Foster.

*sigh*

OH, I'm sorry...this is too exhausting. I'll have to continue this later...stay tuned.

And Then There Were Eight...

Today, the 2500 astronomers in the International Astronomical Union decided that Pluto is not a planet. It will now be classified as a "dwarf planet," and not one of the "classical" planets (whatever THAT means...).

We're back to eight planets, people.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptuuuuuuune...***###___!!!???

What are they going to tell us next? That green is not a color? That the world really is flat? That Mickey needs to change his dog's name? I mean, they have to understand that the Wonderful World of Disney is a complicated place. They can't name him "Pluto" now, because Pluto is now a 'dwarf planet,' which steps on the toes of the Seven Dwarfs. Snow White wouldn't be very pleased to hear that she had Seven-Maybe-Eight Dwarf friends just by dwarfiness, would she? One more mouth to feed...one more person to pick up after...

Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, Happy, and PLUTO?!

NO!!!!!!!!!!! Poor Snow White.

Chocolate-Covered People

Just when you thought Wisconsin only produced great cheese - they've got a new product! Chocolate-covered people! On Saturday, some guy fell into a vat of chocolate (hot chocolate - it was 110 degrees) and got stuck for 2 hours. They had to thin the chocolate with cocoa butter to get him out. More detail...

Augustus! Save some room for latah!
Ooh...anyone know where that's from?

BIKE (NOT Car)* Parts on Ebay!

Anyone looking for BIKE (not car)* parts? Ebay is a great place to look! These sellers will ship anywhere...

!!! ANYWHERE NEED THIS ITEM...We SHIP TO THERE !!!
! INCLUDE OUTSIDE OF EARTH !

* Thanks Mark!

Solar Systematic Failure

Scientists are currently debating whether or not Pluto should be considered a planet. To some, Pluto is just an icy rock that shouldn't really be considered a planet.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, ... It just doesn't flow without Pluto!

If they add another "planet" that is similar to Pluto - they've named it "2003 UB313" - this is what we'll have to reprogram our brains to think:

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, 2003 UB313. That doesn't flow either.

BTW, the informal name for this planet is "Xena" - yep, named after the warrior princess.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Xena...er...no thanks.

Great. You know how we laugh at people in history who thought that the world was flat? People of the future - possibly our children - are going to laugh at us because "they didn't know the planets in their solar system! They kept on changing their minds!!!" Imagine that. Indecision in U.S. elections AND in the Solar System.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are they going to do to us next? Mess with the colors of the rainbow?

Watch out, Mr. ROY G. BIV!!!

Square Bagels?!?!?!

What in the world is Mr. Thomas thinking? If bagels are now square, how are children supposed to learn their shapes???

Also, by definition (according to the ever-correct Wikipedia), "the bagel (or sometimes beigel; Yiddish בײגל beygl) is a bread product traditionally made of yeasted wheat dough in the form of a roughly hand-sized ring which is boiled in water and then baked."

Apparently, they missed the "ring" part of the definition. Let's define ring, shall we? Houghton Mifflin's dictionary says that a "ring" is "a circular object, form, line, or arrangement with a vacant circular center."

According to my calculations, circular = NOT SQUARE!!! *sigh* I guess we'll just need to invent another kind of circular food to help teach the children their shapes.

OMG -- UT tn XLS @ txtng

If you actually understand that message, it should bother you that you understand it.

Oh yeah, and you need to retake Spelling (Yes, elementary spelling).

Apparently, this is the translation: Ohmigod, Utah teen excels at texting

How annoying. Stupid kids.

For those of you currently in the workforce, be careful! I guess employers are using text messages to do their dirty work now. I'll just let you read it on your own...here.

The Phenomenon Known As Direct Deposit

What happened to the good ol' days when people actually went to the bank and stood in line to cash/deposit their checks. Well, those days are still here - lucky for us. I know they're still here because I see it whenever I go to the bank! Is there anything wrong with it? Absolutely not! I LOVE going to the bank! These are the people that handle your money, for crying out loud!!! So don't you think that they deserve a little love? What would happen to my banker friend, Jonathon, if people stopped visiting him?

Ah! Maybe the banks pay them more when they are sad because no one visits them. That is why they raise their rates - so they can compensate for the sadness we cause the bankers that we don't visit. Oh, I'm a genius. I think I've almost got the entire world figured out...

Anyway...I caved and got direct deposit. Yay for me! (a la London Tipton from "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. See previous posts for my comments on them.) Oh, those kids crack me up!

Debitcardopoly

Just to warn you guys, I'll be carrying a new card in my wallet - and this is one you should be jealous of!!! (Yes, English teachers, I KNOW, don't end a sentence with a preposition. I got it - I'm just excited.)

The UK and Aussie versions of Monopoly has updated it's format to reflect today's lifestyle. More and more people carry cards and not as much cash, so they've re-created the board game - eliminated the money and replaced it with "Visa" Monopoly debit cards and a handheld scanner to swipe the card to complete transactions.

Check it out!

My only question is: Why couldn't the U.S. think of it first??

Oh Boyband...

Every time a new boy band emerges, a new wave of "they're gay" jokes comes crashing down on their fans. Leave it to Lance Bass of 'NSync to put some truth to it all.

Yes, yes...I was a fan of 'NSync...

Yes, yes...I know you were right...

Blah blah blah.

Eye Contact

In general, close up shots of eyes scare the crap out of me. Knowing this, one friend decided that I needed to be scared every other day with different pictures of these creatures (see left). With clever lead-ins like, "Whoa." Who wouldn't be intrigued, right?

I guess they function as a Furby would (i.e. they talk to you) and look just as creepy, but with no fur. Does that make this an "Eyeby"?

Trying to work through my fear...

HOLY MACAQUE - The REAL Poor Monkey!!

Oh, the Dutch! Only in Dutchland* would there come a story like this...On Sunday morning (in front of visitors, no less), a bear chased and caught a monkey, then dragged it into the den where the Three Bears (tired of porridge) ATE THE POOR MONKEY! One of the bears thought it was too hot...another thought it was too cold...and the baby bear thought the monkey was JUST RIGHT. :)

Before the attack...

After the attack

* Happy, Jay?

National Ice Cream Month

July is National Ice Cream Month, as declared by President Reagan; but it is by mere coincidence that I have been crazily obsessed with ice cream for the past two weeks.

One example, for instance, is Blue Bell ice cream. I'm from California, so I've never heard of it, but it's supposed to be pretty great. So I've done searches, and more searches, and more searches. All I found is that you can buy it directly from their factory (in Texas), and it's only $90 for 4 half-gallons. It might seem like a steep price for ice cream, but luckily one of the Blue Bell fans quickly straightened me out. That comes out to about $4-5 dollars/pint, "which is just a little more than one would pay for Ben & Jerry's or Haagen Daaz." Argh, I'm such a cheapskate that I don't even buy Ben & Jerry's at it's regular price of $3.99 or whatever it is. I wait until it's 2 for $5!!!!!!! I still have some soul searching to do before jumping on this $90 ice cream. AND I'm still debating a purchase of liquid nitrogen to make my own ice cream.

I blog about ice cream a lot, don't I? OH, what a fat kid...

Jump in My Car!!

Need I say more?!

World of WHAT?!

Stephen Colbert is a great man. Now that he's endorsed this game - count me in!!

[12:05:45] To [Defar] What time is the raid??? :)
[12:06:17] [Defar] No way...are you actually going to play?
[12:07:00] Allulah has joined the raid group.
[12:11:09] Allulah rolls her eyes at herself because she can't believe she actually did this...

MILLION BILLION TRILLION GAZILLION

This morning at our SSC meeting, someone explained to us the difference between one million and one billion! The illustration he gave: "One million seconds is 11 days; one billion seconds is 33 years."

This was welcome information because I didn't know the difference, and even more welcome because it made the meeting longer and gave us less time to complete the work we're being paid to do. I checked on Y*HOO Answers! to verify his answer, and he was mostly right.

I wonder if he asked Dr. Math to get the answer...
1 million seconds = 11 1/2 days
1 billion seconds = 33 1/2 years

Talk about amazing facts...

Barry's Bond

Remember when Kobe's trial was underway, and all of the news reporters were so identically clever that they all came up with Kobe going "from court to court"??? Get it? THAT'S SO FUNNY (credit: Mandy Moore on "Scrubs")because it's two completely different kinds of courts! The legal court and the basketball court!!! See? SO CLEVER! Now YOU get it.

OH, and don't forget - it's funny EVERY SINGLE TIME.

[I know. The media is clever. Patience, grasshopper. You'll get the hang of it.]

I'm predicting that their new identically clever phrase will come about with Barry Bonds and his little sticky situation. Looks like he'll be indicted pretty soon and the judge will have to set his bond. Get it? Bond's Bond! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

[Good thing I don't charge royalties...those news reporters would owe me. MEEELLIONS*.]

* Do it like Dr. Evil and his pinky...DO IT!!!

The Sweet Suite Life

If you haven't yet seen the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody," I highly recommend that you watch it. It's one of those kid comedies that adults find humorous as well. It stars Dylan and Cole Sprouse, who both played the little boy in "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler. This show teaches valuable lessons - how to get along with (i.e. trick them and be forgiven) family/friends/your twin brother [very helpful information just in case you ever get yourself a twin], how to survive in a hotel (it's a tough life if you have to live there day after day after day...), how to cheer for yourself ("Yay, me!" - in case you were wondering), and of course, the correct way to say, "DUH!"

Check your local listings for showtimes.

I Keep on Fallin...

One would think that, with this heading, this section would be a tribute to Alicia Keys.

Unfortunately, this is just my way of telling everyone what a klutz I am. On Friday, I walked into Kmart wearing wooden shoes, caught the edge on the shiny floor, and fell. I thought that something spilled and I slipped on it, but nope...dry floor.

Later on, I was with my brother at Target. As we walked through the detergent section, someone actually had spilled some liquid detergent on the floor. Being as talented as I am, I found the spot so I could slip again! Luckily, I didn't fall to the ground. Everyone around me asked to see if I was okay...except for the Target employee that was standing right next to me. Great customer service, huh?

Twice in one day...what are the odds?

Manatee-mania

I guess there's a manatee party on the coast of Florida. They've just been taken off the Florida endangered species list, so if you're looking for manatees, you should be able to find them in Florida. Should you be looking for a specific manatee (i.e., Barbara Manatee), you might want to do this with the assistance of a song...

Barbara Manatee (Manatee, Manatee)

You are the one for me (one for me, one for me)

Sent from up above (up above, up above)

You are the one I love (I love, I love, I love)

If you don't know this song, brush up on your Veggie Tales.

OOOHHH....FACE!

I'm in desperate need of some good comebacks. "Your Mom" is getting kind of tired - even in other languages. Any suggestions? I guess now you can leave comments for me.

(With attitude) Hello?! This is a burrito/taco conversation...NACHOS...

If you don't mind, I'm going to make like a Tom and cruise...

If you need an explanation, feel free to ask me to say the line for you.

I Want to Hold Your Haaand...

I love the Beatles, but this is not about them.

So apparently, there's this 300-year old book that they found that is bound in human skin! It is called anthropodermic bibliopegy. This was sometimes used in the 18th and 19th centuries when accounts of murder trials were bound in the killer's skin. Why don't you just read the entire story yourself...

I wonder if they used any guidelines in which parts of the body they used skin from...

This sure gives new meaning to the word "handbook"...eww.

LN2 Ice Cream

WHAT kind of ice cream??

Leave it to the kitchen scientists to come up with the greatest home cooking project ever!!!

What am I talking about?

Instead of buying that icy ice cream that is on sale (see below), I think that I would be better off investing in a tank of liquid nitrogen. I could use that and my KitchenAid mixer (my pride and joy that lives in a box) to make my own deeeeelicious ice cream!

41-round Spelling Bee

MUMPSIMUS - a person who persists in a mistaken expression or belief.

Not the winning word, but according to my calculations...it is definitely more interesting than the word she spelled to win (which was: galenical - a medicinal preparation made mostly of herbs or vegetable matter...BOOORING).

Can you use that in a sentence please?!

Ice Cream On Sale

So...my sissy and I went ice cream shopping. "Buy One, Get One Free" deals are usually something to celebrate, right? In this case, it didn't do us much good. If my ice cream looked like this, I'd give it away for free.

$ New Money $

No, not new monKey...new MONEY! The new, improved, more colorful, brilliantly spectacular $10 bills are here! If you need a place to put your old $10 bills, please click here.

Pig Latin 101

How wonderful that the basis of most conversation - the Latin language - has a cousin that contributes to the communication world. For those of you who understand it, GOOD FOR YOU! For those who don't - you poor monkey. I was going to provide a lesson for those who need introduction to the language, but I have been convinced to withhold the information.